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Pithy Wit, Wisdom & Charm
*Pithy - a statement that is precise, cleverly worded, and
often punctuated with a touch of surprising wit and insight.
You only have to demonstrate intelligent wit one time for people to never forget that you possess it.
Robert Bostick
Next to be being witty myself, the next best thing is to quote another's wit.
Christian N. Bovey
I quote others only to better express myself.
Michel De Montaigne
To make an actor funny in a movie you don’t teach him to be funny; you give him great lines.
Robert Bostick
The right words in the right order to the right people can get you anywhere in life.
Unknown
The definition of wit is 'a natural aptitude for using words and ideas in a quick and inventive way to create humor.' Wit implies mental sharpness, inventiveness, and keen intelligence.
Merriam-Webster
People often will remember a funny quote longer than other parts of your presentation,” Cherie Kerr says. “I remember listening once to a long speech, little of which I recall today, except the speaker saying at the end, ‘And, to quote Lily Tomlin, remember that we’re all in this together - by ourselves.’ It was funny, but it also drove home the point she was trying to make.”
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Your Pitch-Perfect Levity Treasure Trove
You can easily turn any quote you love into a
graphic image by clicking on the image below.
I'm launching a self-help podcast about self-help podcasts.
Robert Bostick
The best way to start a speech is, "I'm going to make this quick."
Robert Bostick
A rising tide lifts all boats.
Great humor lifts all moods.
Robert Bostick
When management wants your opinion, they’ll give it to you.
Unknown
Our Accounting system was flawless until the boss put
in his 2 cents worth. Now all our records are off by 2 cents.
Unknown
Only three things happen naturally in organizations:
friction, confusion, and underperformance.
Everything else requires Leadership.
Peter Drucker
I don't think it’s an accident the word Zoom contains the word Zoo.
Robert Bostick
They shouldn't have called it zoom.
Co-vid would have been a better name.
Unknown
I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier. This is the single greatest advancement to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature.
Phil Libin
What I've found livens up a zoom meeting is to have everyone go
out and grab the oldest thing in their frig then bring it to show it off.
B2B doesn't need to stand for "Boring to Boring."
Guillaume Moubeche
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backward?
Al Bolisk
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Unknown
"Do you suffer from ______?"
The first four words of every pharmaceutical television advertisement.
Robert Bostick
When it comes to our health our genes load the gun.
Our lifestyle pulls the trigger.
Caldwell Esselstyn
Contrary to popular opinion, washing your car doesn't make it rain.
Robert Bostick
The first step to enjoying a laughter meditation
is to find a comfortable place to wit.
Robert Bostick
Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not.
Michael Flanders
Our blind spots are almost impossible to see.
I guess that’s why they’re called blind spots.
Robert Bostick
What does it mean to live an awakened life?
It's easy. Just notice the miracle of everything.
For example, take a look at your hand.
Can you believe that thing?
Robert Bostick
Anagrams are words that have the same exact letters.
How - Who
Listen - Silent
Elvis - Lives
Debit card - Bad credit
Dormitory - Dirty room
Stressed - Desserts
Smile - Slime
Dog - God
Robert Bostick
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses.
The whole time the guy was chewing me out all I could think was,
"I should cut my bangs."
Bonnie McFarlane
I don’t mean to brag but I finished my
14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.
Unknown
I never thought I'd be the type of person to get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Unknown
I love waking up in the morning and having those three precious seconds before remembering what's wrong.
Unknown
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at
seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Jean Kerr
It's so scary when you're in the elevator of your life and the cable breaks.
Robert Bostick
We’re all in this together - by ourselves.
Lily Tomlin
There is no time like the pleasant.
Unknown
What is the similarity between the Eiffel Tower and a bug?
They're both Parisites.
Unknown
When somebody asks you, how's business, you say, and say it with enthusiasm, 'UNBELIEVABLE!' cause that'll cover it either way.
Tom Hopkins
1998
1. Don't get into strangers' cars.
2. Don't meet people from the internet.
2022
Literally, summon people from the internet to get into their car.
Shouldn't the computer spam folder be called the scam folder?
Robert Bostick
The correct reply to 90% of social media posts:
"You should meditate and go for a walk."
Matt Ruby
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the squirrel it could be done.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
The best form of dementia is when you have no recollection of your past or thoughts of the future. You’re just happy now. You’re like a dog.
Robert Bostick
How would I describe entrepreneurship? It’s a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired, you quit when the gorilla is tired.
Robert Strauss
The difference between having an entrepreneurial idea and executing it, is the difference between looking at the moon,
and getting there.
Robert Bostick
Did you hear about the company that offered $100 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees? The first prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $50.
Matt Silverman
The weird thing about internet advertising is how convinced they are that you need tons more of whatever thing you just ordered.
Matt Ruby
You need your body to function well to be productive at work.
Your job is to keep it fed, rested, and motivated.
Robots don't need any of that.
Hence their appeal.
Robert Bostick
There are many ways to measure wealth.
The guy on the left has a billion dollars in the bank.
The guy on the right has a fully functioning liver.
The guy on the left needs one.
Whose richer?
Robert Bostick
Success is to live your life with integrity and not give in to peer pressure to be something you're not. Follow your passion, stay true to
yourself, never follow someone else's path; unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, then by all means,
you should follow that.
Ellen DeGeneres
Business is a game, and as with all games, the team that puts the
best people on the field and gets them playing together wins.
It’s that simple.
Jack Welch
I just want to feel what it feels like to have male confidence.
My fantasy of what it’s like to be a guy is you wake up in the morning, and your eyes open, and you’re like “I’m awesome! People probably want to hear what I have to say!”
Chelsea Peretti
Anti-science people like to use 'feel' facts.
'Feel' facts aren’t technically facts...they just 'feel' true.
Like, ‘If the Earth is so warm, why are my feet cold?’
Kate McKinnon
We’re here for a good time not a long time.
That’s where humor comes in.
Robert Bostick
The first heartbeat we hear is our mother.
Unknown
More often than not, it's you vs. yourself.
Lori Jean Glass
Fear has a large shadow, but he himself is small.
Ruth Rendler
The harder you work, the luckier you get.
Joe Ricketts
I’ll let you be in my dream if I can be in yours.
Bob Dylan
Managers are busy cutting their way through the forest.
The leader climbs the tallest tree, looks around, and shouts,
“Hey, we’re cutting through the wrong forest.”
The managers, “Shut up! We’re making progress."
Stephen Covey
The goal of life is to do whatever it takes to stay
out of the bad neighborhoods of our mind.
Robert Bostick
"I’m meditating intermittently." "I’ve been working out intermittently." "I’ve been fasting intermittently." I love the word intermittently. It means 'irregular intervals; not continuously or steadily.' It's the perfect word for not doing something but being able to say you are.
Robert Bostick
Why do Seagulls fly over the Sea and not over the Bay?
Because then they would be called Bagels.
Unknown
I made a friend request to this guy on Facebook and he never replied back to me. I don't know what his problem is? I mean,
I don't even know the guy.
Robert Bostick
Whenever I get a big bill for an unexpected car repair
I always ask myself what did I do wrong to deserve this?
It’s called Carma.
Robert Bostick
When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me. I’m pretty sure, I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure if you die, the cancer dies at the same time. That’s not a loss. That’s a draw.
Norm Macdonald. R.I.P.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million.
Hobart Brown
Big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere,
and now they’re just weird.
Jim Gaffigan
It takes a player to make a shot, but it takes a team to win the game.
Unknown
Whatever you do always give 100 %.
Unless you are donating blood.
Unknown
The only thing that helps me feel better these days
is knowing how much worse things could be.
I call it positive negative thinking.
Robert Bostick
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than
“I quit halfway through a marathon”
Unknown
Running is very popular today. There is even a magazine about it called Runners World. If you thought running was boring wait till you read about it.
Jim Gaffigan
CEO EGO
The spelling similarity is uncanny.
Robert Bostick
Three email subject lines that people are sure to open:
"This is Hilarious" "So Funny" "shortest email ever"
Robert Bostick
When we say "Glass Ceiling," we mean Men.
Women
In this country, you're guilty until proven wealthy.
Bill Mayer
Women are moving into Management everywhere today.
What do we call an executive team consisting of all women?
Womanagement.
Robert Bostick
If you want a good golf swing adjust the nut at the other end of the club!
Grant McKay
We don't have business hours. Only hours.
Ben Edson
The Power of Mind over (does it really) Matter.
Robert Bostick
Humans will be but a blip in the span of Earth’s history.
The only question is how long the blip will be.
Wayne Ranne
Life is simply what our feelings do to us.
Honore de Balzac
We are asleep until we fall in love.
Leo Tolstoy
Being in love is the greatest aphrodisiac ever created.
Robert Bostick
I’m not retiring. I’m rewiring.
Jay Steinfeld
I marvel that human beings don't marvel more. Our brains most of the time have our marvel switch switched to "Off." It's too bad because we are much happier when it is switched to "On."
Robert Bostick
'Plandid': a planned photo designed to look candid.
Dictionary
'Defenestration': The action of throwing someone out of a window.
It makes you wonder who decides when we need a new word.
Today's growing homeless problem is tragic and heartbreaking. Especially knowing that for every homeless person living in a box, there's an appliance living in a home.
Unknown
You can’t become a decent horseman until you fall off and get up again, a good number of times. There’s life in a nutshell.
Bear Grylls
You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.
John C. Maxwell
No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
Lily Tomlin
Always seek the approval of others. It fills the emptiness inside you.
It also makes the emptiness larger so that it can hold
more approval.
Unknown
Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
I feel bad for hockey players because they can get traded.
Imagine if you were 19 and you worked at Subway and
one day you went in for your shift and they said,
“Sorry, now you work at Quiznos in Winnipeg.”
Matt Wright
I bought a pair of shoes in my dream last night and yet, when I woke up, I didn’t have them. It worked out though because I was going to return them anyway.
Susie Lewis
I meditate just so I can have the ego stroke I get from thinking,
"I just meditated."
Matt Ruby
It is a good thing that life is not as serious
as it seems to a waiter.
Don Herold
In a business relationship, it’s more important to make things right than to be right. Actually it's true in every relationship.
Robert Bostick
My Grandmother thought 'WTF' meant Wow That's Fun.
Andrew Tarvin
We can put a man on the moon, but we can't
remove ourself from a group text.
Robert Bostick
Why do they say, “Heads up!” when you’re supposed to duck?
Unknown"
I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”
Demetri Martin
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Kin Hubbard
1st World War
2nd World War
3rd World War~ming
Robert Bostick
Planting trees takes carbon out of the atmosphere. Now we just
need scientists to tell us which trees offer the best bang for their bark.
Robert Bostick
I took my eyes off the road and got in a car accident the other day.
It was stupid. While I was driving I started reading my CVS receipt.
Robert Bostick
I'm starting to treat every phone call like I'm on a podcast.
Just two people talking with no one else listening.
Robert Bostick
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it's for them?
Unknown
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.
Unknown
If I pass away in my sleep, just know that I died doing what I love.
Matt Ruby
Death destroys the man, but the idea of death saves him.
E. M. Forster
Nurse to Patient with bleeding head: "Your name?"
P: "John."
N: "Your Birthdate?"
P: "February 23, 1970"
N: Are you Married?"
P: "Oh this...No no, it was a car accident."
Unknown
I’m thinking of setting up a price comparison comparison website to compare price comparison websites.
Stephen Cookson
Word of mouth is how people used to find out about your business.
Now it's word of mouse.
Robert Bostick
51% Of people think stormy weather affects 'Cloud Computing.'
Source
In the end, everything is a gag.
Charlie Chaplin
When perfectionism is driving us, shame is always riding shotgun.
Brene Brown
I don't mean to sound judgmental
but judgmental should really have an e after the g.
Matt Rudy
Designing a presentation without an audience in mind is like writing a love letter and addressing it: To Whom It May Concern.
Ken Hamer
Sales is like sex. Nothing happens until someone gets excited.
Elizabeth Bachman
Our company had such a bad year, we made the Misfortune 500.
Unknown
Acronyms
BING = Bing Is Not Google
PBS. Primarily British Shows.
H.O.P.E. Hold On, Pain Ends
Etc. End of Thinking Capacity.
M.A.I.D Mother Actually In Disguise
C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping
HumorPoint
I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
Unknown
You can't read about push-ups. You gotta do them.
Gary Vee
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All serious and no laughter make Jack a dull presenter too.
Robert Bostick
It feels significant that most five-year-olds are far less boring
than most 45-year-olds. It’s because they make us laugh
just by being themselves.
Robert Bostick
High school reunions are tough. You get that letter in the mail and you feel like you've only got six months to make something of yourself.
Unknown.
Eating is like being an artist.
When you do a lot of it, you end up showing your work.
Beth Sterling
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
Unknown
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!”
and it yells “Down here! In the couch cushions!”
Unknown
My mind is always talking to me. I think it's lonely.
Robert Bostick
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
Shawn Alexander
One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.
Margo Kaufman
The first sign of ethics is you get a feeling you shouldn’t be doing this. I get that feeling every time I’m about to clean the house.
Sally Baack
He couldn't tell the truth to a mirror.
Neal Katval
People are like teabags; you never know how strong they'll be until they're in hot water.
Rita Mae Brown
Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:
“Okie Dokie."
"You’re darn tootin.”
Robert Bostick
Everyone has flatulence.
Why? Because we live in a biological factory.
To hide it we live in clothing.
Robert Bostick
Policeman, Fireman, Weatherman, Mailman, Handyman, and the executive team of every company being called, MANagement.
Oh, so that's what they mean when they say it's a man's world.
Robert Bostick
If a thing is done well, no one will ask how long it took to do it,
but only, who did it.
John Taylor
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out;
it’s the pebble in your shoe.
Muhammad Ali
The biggest marketing mistake in history was Campbell's Soups for One. They might as well have called it Cream of Loser Soup.
'Open can. Add tears.'
Traci Skene
When I die I want my last words to be,
"I left a million dollars under the..."
Unknown
Statistically, you are more likely to die on the way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to win the lottery itself.
One restaurant that doesn’t deliver, that should, is a food truck.
Just drive it to my house.
Demetri Martin
Startup investors live by the adage,
"Bet on the Jockey, not on the horse."
What about the track?
Robert Bostick
When you’re eight years old, nothing is your business.
Lenny Bruce
I had a cactus once, but then it died and then I got sad, cuz it made me realize...that I was less nurturing than a desert.
Demetri Martin
I would meditate more if calming my mind wasn't so stressful.
Robert Bostick
What’s the definition of minor surgery.
An operation performed on somebody else.
Unknown
Home is the place where no matter where you're sitting,
you're looking at something you should be doing.
Unknown
I have so much to do that I’m going to bed.
Unknown
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
Unknown
Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Rita Rudner
My room was clean but then I had to decide what to wear.
Unknown
I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I would like to.
Linda Evans
I believe that mental health is as important as physical health.
So whenever I see a jogger I yell at them,
“What are you running from, honey?”
Jenny Hamilton
The universe is not short on wake-up calls.
We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.
Brené Brown
A new study finds that cats actually bond with people like dogs but they’re too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat Dad.
Colin Jost
I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.
James Thurber
"Now?!" - kids to most everything.
Unknown
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb.
None. It’s a hardware problem.
Unknown
Your ego is not your amigo.
B.J. Novak
Let go or be dragged.
Zen proverb
Looking for your last four words or an epitaph for your tombstone?
Might I suggest...
"That was hella fun."
Robert Bostick
Success is all about going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.
Winston Churchill
Oh no, I’m having a stroke...of Genius.
Mel Brooks
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
Unknown
From a chance meeting of a sperm and an egg to the starting up of a heartbeat from nothing, and then in 9 months we come out smiling. And people think what is happening here on this planet is normal.
Robert Bostick
People are being persuaded to spend money we don't have on things we don't need to create impressions that won't last on people we don't care about.
Tim Jackson
Statistics are numbers with the tears wiped away.
Paul Brodeur
HR: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Interviews”
HR: “And besides that?”
Me: “Follow up questions”
Unknown
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me. "Taking your job and asking better interview questions."
Adam Grant
On the flight out I saw the pilot biting his nails as he headed into the cockpit. I'd never seen that before. What am I suppose to think. Is he nervous about the plane? Should I be nervous? Am I going to die? Isn't there a law against nail biters becoming pilots?"
Robert Bostick
Life is really hard, but, to be fair to life,
death is not all it’s cracked up to be either.
Robert Bostick
Music Festivals: where people don't ask why you're carrying a stuffed dinosaur, they ask the dinosaur's name
or if they can dance with it.
Unknown
We can put a man on the moon but we can't*
*Make me a robot that can fold my laundry.
*Make a grass that grows two inches and stops.
*Understand what the conductors are saying over
the PA system on the Metro/Subway lines.
HumorPoint
Food is my anxiety medication.
Robert Bostick
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying.” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive.
Unknown
Imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?
Ans: U stop imagining…
Unknown
Funny Photos
Anger is always a bad strategy, and a deceptive one too. Deceptive because it feels so good.
Robert Bostick
Without creative people, this world would be as unimaginative as you can imagine.
Robert Bostick
Children are the angels of the human race...our better angels.
Robert Bostick
Women create and give birth to all our leaders, our doctors, our scientists, our entrepreneurs, our teachers, and every president. It’s truly a woman’s world. So why do men run it?
Robert Bostick
Women have always been an equal part of the past,
just not an equal part of history.
Gloria Steinham
To be siblings means you were created from nothing in the same place. Come on, what are the odds of that?
Robert Bostick
A little boy was sitting beside me in the hospital waiting room. He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed,
“You must have had a lot of husbands!”
Esther Dawson
“It’s the 21st century now.
So how come we don’t have flying cars?”
What do you think planes are?
Peter White
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it.
Unknown
Why don't they call quicksand slowsand?
Unknown
A humorist is a fellow who realizes, first, that he is no better than anybody else, and, second, that nobody else is either. Homer McLin
I’m always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party.
Jennifer Wright
Dogs don’t think about many things.
That’s what distinguishes them from us.
Every day they wake up happy and think,
"Wow! Another Fantastic Day!”
Robert Bostick
Ever notice how everything COSMIC becomes COMIC if you don't see the S.
Unknown
Just as you have to stop talking to hear what others say,
you have to stop thinking to find out what life is about.
Alan Watts.
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
"Buzzwords" are words substituted for thinking and ideas.
Unknown
I’ve noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
R.V. Lucas
We’re not all equal as far as wealth, race, gender, or age; but we’re all equal in the opportunity to be astonished by our existence.
Robert Bostick
“It’s not the end of the world.” Yes, thank you for reminding me that there’s always one worse outcome than what is.
Unknown
Researchers analyzed Sigmund Freud and determined he was always afreud. Afreud of his father and mother.
Unknown
Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing
Unknown
2 guys walked into a bar; the 3rd one ducked.
Unknown
Ninety-five percent of people who tell "Two Guys in a Bar" jokes are two guys in a bar.
Robert Bostick
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.
Abraham Lincoln
Your sense of humor. Don't leave home without it.
Don't come home without it either.
Robert Bostick
Fight as if you’re right, listen as if you’re wrong.
Karl Weick
Video calls are just modern seances.
"Someone wants to join us",
"Elizabeth, are you there?", "I can't hear you", "can you hear us?"
Unknown
It isn't news anymore. It's hour-by-hour warnings.
Paul Harvey
"I wish they would just call the news,
'What's wrong.'
"Hi. It's six o'clock. Here's what's wrong."
Demitri Martin
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
Franklin P. Adams
The longest song in the world is the Happy Birthday song to a toddler who is ready to help blow out some candles.
Unknown
Before television dreams were our entertainment.
Sally Baack
Creativity is intelligence having fun.
Albert Einstein
My primary stress reduction activity is eating impulsively.
Robert Bostick
Life is brutiful.
Glennon Doyle
When you're an easily offended hammer, everything looks like an offensive nail.
Matt Ruby
The universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.
Brené Brown
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is
a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.
Mary Schmich
There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
Golf is a game in which a ball - 1 ½ inch in diameter is placed on a ball - 8,000 miles in diameter. The object being to hit the small ball...but not the larger.
John Cunningham
Presentation
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Ray Floyd
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
Why do water bottles have an ingredient section on the label?
Unknown
Today's Corporate Leaders today have gone from big thinkers to gig thinkers.
Robert Bostick
No one is ever going to come up to you and complain to you that your talk was too short.
David Nihill
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
Anonymous
Hotels today reserve parking spots for electric cars in front and make gas cars park in the back with all the smokers.
Robert Bostick
Have you ever noticed the data
you get from your ego is one-sided?
Robert Bostick
Be grateful for what you’re not going through.
Sam Harris
Inspirational Quotes to Annoy Others
Funny Photos
Unknown
When someone rings the doorbell,
why do dogs always assume it's for them?
Unknown
Laughter is your best medicine.
International Pharmaceutical Association
“We interrupt our regular program to bring you this special bulletin:
It’s a nice day outside.”
Charles Schulz
I used to fear tall people. Now I look up to them.
Unknown
There are no Chocolate Anonymous because nobody wants to quit.
Unknown
I got a job at an amusement park. I liked to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a few screws onto the seats.
Emo Phillips
Let's face it.
If there was ever a time we needed humor
it's now.
Robert Bostick
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like yours.
Bob Hope
I hid my husband's Christmas presents with the cleaning supplies.
Laura Marie
When you miss the target, never in history has it been the target’s fault.
Unknown
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw
Beware the conversationalist who ads 'in conclusion'. He is merely starting afresh.
Robert Morley
There is always an easy solution to every human problem neat, plausible, and wrong.
H.L. Mencken
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it.
Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.
Unknown
I don’t like money actually, but it quiets my nerves.
Joe Lewis
They call it a budget because once you're given how much money you can spend, you can't budge it.
Unknown
Do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in the gentle cycle?
Jerry Seinfeld
Today is Get to Know your Customers Day...
"There is nothing left to learn." said your Amazon Echo.
Seth Meyers
Want to tell a joke?
The key is to pick a smart joke with a great punchline.
But where would you find one?
Here.
Web MD Something that makes a mild cold into a deadly disease within 24 hours.
Unknown
A Fivepack of One-Liner Question Jokes
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says "Who shot my paw?"
What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
What do you get when you play a country song backward? You get your dog back, your wife back, your house back and you sober up.
Poster on Neighborhood Tree
LOST: black and white dog, blind in one eye, half of right ear missing, no tail, limps. Answers to the name of Lucky.
Unknown
We can put a man on the moon, but we still call the sky the limit.
Unknown
“I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself
by taking a thousand aspirin."
“What happened?”
“Well, after the first two I felt better”
Gene Perrett
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move.
Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.
Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
Steven Wright
What I marvel about the incognito feature on Google is that its only purpose is nefarious.
Robert Bostick
The two most powerful phrases in the English language are, “Good News,” and “You’re Right.” The reason is simple: It's good news topped by even better news.
Robert Bostick
Now is the most difficult time to invest.
Unknown
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
David Sedaris
Wisdom has two parts. Having a lot to say, and not saying it.
Unknown
The following word has been spelling adjusted for enhanced accuracy. Maskulinity.
Robert Bostick
Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door.
Marlo Thomas
Air France is a good name for an airline but a bad name for a deodorant.
Danny Bravman
BP is a good name for a gas company but a bad name for a honey company.
Elden Carnahan
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
Unknown
Our miraculous bodies are self-regulating, self-
healing, and for some of us, self-replicating.
Robert Bostick
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs
I meet outside of grocery stores.
Unknown
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who use coasters, and those who don’t.
Jura Koncius
Going to Victoria’s Secret has never made me feel pretty.
What makes me feel pretty is googling plastic surgery disasters.
Taylor Tomlinson
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three
times a day in order to survive...It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Unknown
If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done.
Michael S. Taylor
Spring is nature's way of saying let's party.
Robbin Williams
Eating is like being an artist.
When you do a lot of it, you end up showing your work.
Beth Sterling
People always think you load their dishwasher wrong.
Matt Ruby
My six-year-old just called ranch dressing “salad frosting” and now
I’ll never call it anything else.
James Breakwell
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Unknown
All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
Alexandre Dumas
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Unknown
I’m gonna go outside, so if anyone asks, you can just say I’m outstanding.
Unknown
The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously and have someone find out.
Oscar Wilde
The only time the world beats a path to your door
is when you’re in the bathroom.
Unknown
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues
but the parent of all others.
Cicero
When I met Hank, he was dying of lung cancer. He brought up that fact exactly one time, to tell me that it was out of his control. In his own words: “What am I going to do, start getting pissed off now? Every other time I’ve gotten pissed off it hasn’t helped me a damn bit.” Then he launched into one of his stories of another time he was pissed off when he thought he was going to die in a malfunctioning plane. He put the anger away and landed. “Life is like that,” he told me. “No matter how pissed off you are, you still have to land the plane, and being pissed off isn’t going to help you one bit. You’ve got to make the best of it.
Nobody gets the life we planned, we get what God plans
and we spend the rest of our lives trying not to hold it against him.
A well-lived life has more to do with perspective than anything else. As long as you can laugh, there is hope."
The less people know, the more they yell.
Seth Godin
I live inside a miraculous human body that also acts as a trash compactor.
Robert Bostick
It’s not hard to meet expenses...they’re everywhere.
Unknown
One person's mess is simply another person's filing system.
Margo Kaufman
If you don’t believe in the resurrection of the dead, look at any office at quitting time.
Robert Townsend
What is the root word of the word funny?
Robert Bostick
You know that feeling when you’re leaning back on a chair and you lean too far and you’re about to fall and then at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Steven Wright
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
Warren Bennis
The average person thinks he isn't.
Larry Lorenzoni
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can.
Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Kurt Vonnegut
Two things to avoid saying in a job interview:
“Okie Dokie."
"You’re darn tootin.”
Robert Bostick
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
Unknown
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Unknown
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny'
Isaac Asimov
I love watching squirrels... they always look like they're up to something.
Robert Bostick
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
I intend to live forever...So far, so good.
Steven Wright
Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
Guillaume Apollinaire
Start by starting.
Meryl Streep
Obstacles do not block the path, they are the path.
Zen proverb
Orville Wright did not have a pilot's license.
Gordon MacKenzie
If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.
Veronica Sawyer
We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.
Charles Bukowski
Your ego is not your amigo.
B.J. Novak
We are not retreating--we are advancing in another direction.
General Douglas MacArthur
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones
Bad taste is simply saying the truth…Before it should be said.
Mel Brooks
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Albert Einstein
Everyone has a spark of divinity in them worth respecting.
Robert Bostick
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Unknown
Just before takeoff a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked him to buckle his seat belt. He replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt!” responded, “Superman don’t need no plane.”
True Story
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
Muhammad Ali
Everything you ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.
Unknown
Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change.
Arthur Burt
Biology Walks. Souls Talk. Death Stalks.
Robert Bostick
My elderly dad is just beginning to use technology. His first email was all in the subject line.
David Nihill
Regardless of the changes in technology, the market for well-crafted messages will always have an audience.
Steve Burnett
The shortest distance between two people is laughter.
Victor Borge
If you can make people laugh, an open mind can't be far behind.
Sarah Jones
Argument is the worst sort of conversation.
Jonathan Swift
The most important thing to know in life is how to be friendly.
Drake Prata Baack Age 8
Everyone uses Virtual Reality. They're called dreams.
Robert Bostick
There are more stars in our Universe than there are grains of sand on all the beaches on Earth.
Carl Sagan
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble on the road.
Henry Ward Beecher
I still believe that love is all you need. I don’t know a better message than that.
Paul McCartney
A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.
Anne Lamott
There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologize afterward.
John Thomas
Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.
John Kinnear
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Joseph Cossman
Here’s a shout out to all the women who created every human being on earth. You did a phenomenal job. Yes, throughout history, there are a few guys we could have done without, but overall, you've brought one joyous miracle after another.
Robert Bostick
Sign On A Plumber’s Truck 'Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
Unknown
My four-year-old son said, “Daddy, I’m gonna be a doctor.”
I said, “That would be great son.”
“Or a Dinosaur.”
Michael Jr.
Funny Tweets About The Lies Kids Tell
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Skye Prata Baack Age 10
Give a kid a hammer and he'll treat everything as a nail.
Unknown
Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
To just running after a Frisbee.
Jim Gaffigan
The three loves of my life are: my wife, my kids, my pillow.
Anonymous
The ultimate avoidance activity for dads is Golf.
It stands for Get Out Leave Family.
Jerry Seinfeld
Office:
A business place where you can relax from your strenuous home life.
Evan Esar
My wife is a completed work under glass to be admired and studied. I’m more like one of those buildings that has scaffolding around it for 6 straight years where people look at it and think “Just tear it down and start all over again."
Bill Burr
Do I have a hobby? Yes I have a hobby. My hobby is make-believe.
Skye Prata Baack Age 7
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn’t everything. She was wrong about other things too.
Gerald Barzan
60 years later a woman was still affected by her mother's admonition "Don't be a complainer"
Unknown
Got a new phone today, my old one failed the swimming test.
Unknown
I'm so compulsive about losing weight, I weigh myself after I cough.
Elayne Boosler
Etc. – End of Thinking Capacity.
Unknown
This month Netflix is featuring the movie Groundhog Day. I watch it every day.
Robert Bostick
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Jean Kerr
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Unknown
One thing you are sure you will do for the rest of your life:
Pull the door that says push.
Unknown
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think.
Onion Newspaper Headline
I saw a sign on a lawn that said, “Please Don’t Walk On Our Grass.”
Then I saw an old man’s face in the window, and his face also said that.
Jackie Pirico
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Abraham Lincoln
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Oscar Wilde
Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.
Unknown
They say you only use ten percent of your brain. What about the other ten percent?
Lara Bliss
Human conflict is often born out of a failure to grasp the frustration of someone else's feelings.
Robert Bostick
When a man comes to me for advice, I find out what kind of advice he wants, and give it to him.
Josh Billing
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin
I miss my old car. We would always play this fun game where the engine light would come on, and then I would just call its bluff.
Amy Bugg
The other day I heard Google maps tell me "You've arrived." It felt good. I’ve been waiting to hear that my whole life.
Robert Quick Bostick
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Evan Kessler
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
Erica Jong
The President says since he's been in office he's created hundreds of thousands of new jobs. My brother-in-law has 4 of them.
Bill Dyment
In this country you're guilty until proven wealthy.
Bill Mayer
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger
If the stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks not selling advice.
Norman Augustine
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavours and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
Alfred Newman
Smartphones, smart cars, smart buildings, smart appliances...
what’s left...oh yeah, people. That will be easy...all we need is
smart schools...smart parents...smart teachers...smart principals
...smart mayors...smart governors...smart presidents...
Maybe we'll just stick with a smart car.
Robert Bostick
When you go to a conference and you see a male speaker who invented something big they get your attention.
When you go to a conference and see a female speaker who created another human from nothing, ehh.
Robert Bostick
When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor, they laugh at me. When I tell church people I am a comedian, they pray for me.
Cliff Prang
Life is a picture. But you live in a pixel.
Tim Urban
Advertising promotes an idealized life
because reality doesn't sell.
Robert Bostick
English is a funny language.
A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.
Jack Herbert
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Mark Twain
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
George Will
It’s good to have a plan: it’s better to have a plan b.
Mike Muzio
Bigger isn’t Better—Better is Better.
Andrew Sobel
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Mark Twain
If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood and assign them tasks, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands but of seeing with new eyes.
Marcel Proust
Maybe I’m lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
Ashleigh Brilliant
The other day a woman asked me to tell her what Mansplaining was and I was like, “Nice try...I have no idea.”
Demetri Martin
Smartphones, smart cars, smart buildings, smart appliances...
what’s left...oh yeah, people. That will be easy...all we need is
smart schools...smart parents...smart teachers...smart principals
...smart mayors...smart governors...smart presidents...
Maybe we'll just stick with a smart car.
Robert Bostick
When you go to a conference and you see a male speaker who invented something big they get your attention.
When you go to a conference and see a female speaker who created another human from nothing, ehh.
Robert Bostick
When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor, they laugh at me. When I tell church people I am a comedian, they pray for me.
Cliff Prang
Life is a picture. But you live in a pixel.
Tim Urban
Advertising promotes an idealized life
because reality doesn't sell.
Robert Bostick
English is a funny language.
A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.
Jack Herbert
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
George Will
It’s good to have a plan: it’s better to have a plan b.
Mike Muzio
Bigger isn’t Better—Better is Better.
Andrew Sobel
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Mark Twain
Just because we're missing the magic, beauty, and unfathomable mystery of this world, doesn't mean it can't happen.
Robert Bostick
If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people together to collect wood and assign them tasks, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands but of seeing with new eyes.
Marcel Proust
I am always doing things I can’t do, that’s how I get to do them.
Pablo Picasso
Underneath the hood of the car that is America, there are always a couple racist and sexist pistons pumping away. Yes the car is moving but its defective pistons always make the engine very troublesome.
Robert Bostick
White privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It just means
the color of your skin isn’t one of the things that makes it harder.
Unknown
Quoted from "Jimmy Kimmel Live"
"Racism in America is like dust in the air. It seems invisible— even if you're choking on it—until you let the sun in. Then you see it's everywhere. As long as we keep shining that light, we have a chance of cleaning it wherever it lands. But we have to stay vigilant because it's always still in the air."
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
No white person wants to change places with a black person.
They don’t even want to exchange places with me, and I’m rich.
Chris Rock
Quoted from "Jon Stewart Is Back to Weigh In" New York Times
The response to police misconduct is that they’re just bad apples as if we have to tolerate a few in every basket. Really? Is anyone ready to tolerate a few bad apple pilots?
Robert Bostick
Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: To tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.
Bobby Kennedy
We live together as rational human beings or die together as fools.
Martin Luther King
I often tell young people that if you see something you think
is wrong and it bothers you, then with steady, loving confrontation,
you can get others to see the wrong in whatever it is that you see.
Lynda Lowrey, Civil Rights Activist
There isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love if you knew their story.
Unknown
The fact that everyone dies just kills me.
Robert Bostick
The secret to a happy life is to run out of cash and air at the same time.
Bobby Layne
Did anyone dig for China when they were kids? Our parents said if you dig all the way through the earth you’d come out in China. We had one kid on our block who dug down about ten feet digging for China and I use to sneak in and throw egg rolls in the hole. He thought he was getting close. “Only a few more feet Dad. I’m hitting something down here.”
Gary Shandling
Not only is your heart hopefully full of love, but it also pumps about 8,000 quarts of blood a day through its chambers. That works out to 332 quarts per hour or nearly 6 quarts per minute. It takes about one minute for all the blood in our body to make the round trip back to our heart. That's a lot of pumping going on and we're not aware of any of it. But wait, there's more. Our heart beats about 100,000 times in one day and about 35 million times in a year. During an average lifetime, the human heart will beat more than 2.5 billion times. Now are you impressed with what you are?
Robert Bostick
See How the Heart Works in 3D
Keeping your body healthy is an expression of gratitude to the whole cosmos - the trees, the clouds, everything.
Thich Nhat Hanh
A crisis is made by men, who enter into the crisis with their own prejudices, propensities, and predispositions. A crisis is the sum of intuition and blind spots, a blend of facts noted and facts ignored.
Michael Crichton
As a newspaper editor in the digital age, I always see if I can make a headline funny. The funnier the headline the more they click on it.
Unknown
To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. Eleanor Roosevelt
Humour takes your presentation one step closer to a show,
and one step further from a funeral procession.
Lawrence Haywood
The only way I've found to really wallow in self-pity is to not hear anything about other people's lives.
Robert Bostick
In filling out an application, where it says,
'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
Unknown
JEALOUSY
Robert Bostick
Settling Soulmates.
The person you were meant to settle for.
3D Rock
Between two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried before.
Mae West
Bitcoin is QAnon for money
Matt Ruby
Nothing causes my brain to freeze up faster than when someone says
"Do the math."
Robert Bostick
No one really listens to anyone else,
and if you try it for a while you’ll see why.
Mignon McLaughlin
Seven days without humor makes one weak.
Unknown
Astronaut Neil Armstrong was asked if he was nervous before he went to the moon. He said, “Of course, who wouldn’t be? There I was sitting on top of 9,999 parts and bits – each of which had been made by the lowest bidder.”
Unknown
The "Earth" without "art" is just "Eh."
Unknown
LONLINESS
Robert Bostick
When an alcoholic stops drinking life becomes very sobering.
Robert Bostick
Getting our message right is the difference between 'suc' and success.
Robert Bostick
Humor is just the combining of ideas that aren’t normally associated with one another.
Tim Gard
********************************************
Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing.
Unknown
Studying history teaches you that people never learn from history.
Matt Ruby
Someone doing CrossFit could do it for 30 minutes,
then tell you about it forever.
Unknown
A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn't set
high enough.
Unknown
If you were at a dinner party with your friends, and everyone put their problems on the table, you'd probably take yours back...
Paul Andrew
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Unknown
Do fish get thirsty?
Unknown
Showers are 'Lost in Thought' Machines.
Robert Bostick
You never know how strong you are until your power steering goes out.
Unknown
What location is to real estate, delivery is to standup.
Matt Ruby
I love what I do. I don’t work for a living. I play for a living.
James Paterson
I was depressed all morning. Then a friend called and said she lost her job and her husband and that made me feel a little better.
Amy Foster
There are no business relationships—
all relationships are personal relationships.
Harvey Mackay
Any employee desiring to be present at
the death or funeral of a relative,
please notify the foreman before
10 AM the day of the game.
Factory Sign
Quotes Only Sports Parents Will Understand
After having children, 80% of marriage is just negotiating who's dropping off which kid at which sport.
Christy Stabbatha
Put your kids in sports so the chaotic mad-dash to be anywhere on time isn’t just limited to school and weekdays.
Unknown Mom
Spare a thought for all the parents who came before us that had to attend thousands of kids' sports events *WITHOUT*
smartphones.
Christina Evans
Cool how we spend so much money on our kids’ youth sports
and then are friggin giddy when their games are canceled.
Mommy Owl
Kid: *after competing in an all-day sports competition* I’m exhausted. Me: *sat and watched child’s all-day sports competition* You’re telling me!
Jessie